Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
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When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.