I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
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Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?