someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
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Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.