Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
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Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
That’s fair
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom