what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
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Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday