WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
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At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.