The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
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Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.