Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
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If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
wishing you and yours all the best
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0