Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
You Might Also Like
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
#Caturday
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.