Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
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I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
#growingpains
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room