HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
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I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are