Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
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me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Merry Christmas
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.