I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
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Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?