Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
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According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus