Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
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I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay