Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
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The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
2 years later
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Choose your fighter