*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
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Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.