People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
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Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
This took me a second..
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*