My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
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3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Oh my God.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.