Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
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Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
☠️☠️☠️
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.