When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
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No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
We’ve come full circle
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Happy thanksgiving
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.