If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
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GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆