Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
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I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.