ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
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Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
craving $300 all of a sudden
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.