Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
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Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Breaking news:
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
🙄😏😂🤣
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Your secret is safeish with me
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
uh oh
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.