Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
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The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
need a new bf mines broken 😐