Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
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this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Hotels are back
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL