I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
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1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.