Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
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Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!