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Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this