When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
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That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
[at my funeral]
boss : youâre LATE
NPR Presents â8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Canât Be Trustedâ
– a cephalopodcast
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isnât real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… â102 Dalmations.â
Walt Disney: Thatâs way too many dalmations.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didnât understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Welcome to your 40s: youâre not exhausted thatâs just your face now.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
To the max.. đ
Sound on
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that weâre selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, âI think this one is safeâ and see if theyâll take it from your hand.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
If youâre still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself âWhat would Jesus do?â and definitely donât do that.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend