*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
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These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I鈥檓 walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Them: what鈥檚 your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone鈥檚 flashlight to help me find my phone.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
My house is cleaner than it鈥檚 ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you鈥檒l just have to take my word for it
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
[First Date]
Her: I鈥檓 instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that鈥檚 my voice
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 馃幍 I really can’t staaay … 馃幍
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 馃幍 I have to go a … 馃幍
me – ok, bye!
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
It鈥檚 never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it鈥檚 always Hey Josh, I鈥檓 Daryl your court appointed attorney
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
If it鈥檚 the thought that matters, I had a shower today 馃槈
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it鈥檚 an improvement.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.