[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
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*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.