*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
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This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!