*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
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Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.