Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
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You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
A wise man once said nothing.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college