I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
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Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.