[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
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me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other