*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
You Might Also Like
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
this… may be the greatest story ever told
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.