WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
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Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.