I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
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Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Traveler’s camo
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Europe. Made in Germany.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time