I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
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This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.