*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
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What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
at ease…shoulder.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.