*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
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*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
my retirement plan is braless
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it