My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
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Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.