Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
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Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]