What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
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How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.