*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
You Might Also Like
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you鈥檙e her 4th
I鈥檇 buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we鈥檙e on the same page.
Brilliant!
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
haha same
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don鈥檛 trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don鈥檛 be silly
It鈥檚 the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 馃檨
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I鈥檓 a quick thinker you know.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
I won鈥檛 apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.