Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
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To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
handsome & gretel
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?