*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
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Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
How all things should be taught/explained.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.